I have a special relationship with water. It hates me and I feel about the same for it. I feel I must give some background prior to beginning the story.
Early on in my married life, Becky and I ended up at an apartment complex in Pocatello where I had the unfortunate experience of managing the property. I inherited the position from a cousin who will remain nameless, but I think that it was written into his contract that the only way he could ever be allowed to leave was if he found a suitable replacement. A lot of focus was spent explaining the perks of the job such as free rent, while other aspects were cleverly omitted. It was funny that items such as never ending pipe leaks, flooding basements, extremely cranky tenants etc. was never mentioned.
Later in life, as I was discovering exactly what I had been saddled with, this unnamed cousin and myself crossed paths. We started talking and suddenly his eyes glazed over and he began telling me a flood story from his past. It was an incredible tale of an ordinary man battling nature and in the end man coming out victorious. I asked him in which year this tremendous battle had taken place, and he responded 1992.
"So" I said, "That was the famous water battle of 1992?"
He looked at me rather sheepishly and said "Well, not exactly. That was only one
of the water battles of '92."
"What do mean that was only one of the water battles of 1992?", I replied. "You mean you had more than that one experience with water?"
He hesitated and then said, "Actually there were dozens and dozens of stories I could tell you, but I don't want to scare you."
Too Late, I was scared. We quickly said our "goodbyes", and I raced home to retrieve my employment contract. There at the bottom in microscopic words was the following phrase: "This contract will be valid until such time as a suitable replacement manager has been found and is willing to assume sole responsibility for the property by entering into a binding agreement by signing this contract".
My heart sank, as I realized what I now had to do. I needed to find some poor unfortunate soul to take this burden off of my shoulders, and assume the managers' position. It shouldn't be too hard I thought, after all you do get free rent...
Eventually, I did find some desperate college student who was willing to step up and assume the responsibility and all the glory that came with it, but in the end, I have been scarred for life. It has been over 11 years since I managed the apartment complex, but it still affects me. To this day, I can be dead asleep in the middle of the night, and one single drip from any location in our house will bring me running and screaming from the bedroom prepared to do battle with that horrible blue monster.
And now, onto the story...
We purchased our first home in 2001 and were glad to have a place to call our own. I soon discovered that the front faucet on the exterior of the house was non-functional. After some internal torment, I mentally prepared myself to once again go to battle against my old nemesis. I purchased the parts needed to replace the faucet, and descended to the basement to shut off water to the house...where I discovered the whole house shut off valve stuck in the open position. I retrieved a pair of channel lock pliers from the tool box and began working the valve back and forth to try to free it up. After spending several minutes working at it, I had a sudden vision of myself breaking the valve and flooding the basement.
I decided that before I spent any more time on the stuck valve, I would shut off the main water service to the house at the valve in the yard, just in case. I grabbed the water wrench from the garage and located the valve in the yard. I stuck the wrench down the pipe and gave it a quick turn...only to discover that a 30 foot pine tree's roots growing in close proximity to the valve had caused the vertical pipe to be pulled up off of the valve, and my wrench was contacting nothing but dirt.
As I stood there crying, er... I mean weighing my options, I came to the conclusion that I had lost this battle. I had quickly discovered that I had no way whatsoever to shut off water to my house.
In the end, I had to cut down the pine tree, and dig up the stump. Then, because I was too cheap to rent a backhoe, I decided to dig the water line valve up by hand. I mean really, how deep is a water line anyway?
SIX FREAKING FEET, that's how deep. And I know because I was too much of a tightwad to spend money on a backhoe, and dug the stupid thing up by hand. In the end I'm sure it was worth it, after all it only took about two weeks for the blisters and the pain in my back to go away.
With the hole completed, I was able to reset the vertical pipe on top of the shutoff valve in the yard. When it was done, I decided to go ahead and fill in the hole by hand. I mean it's already dug and it's not worth the effort or the cost to rent a backhoe just to fill in a little hole, right?
A SIX FREAKING FOOT DEEP HOLE. Let me tell you, your back doesn't feel any better after filling in a 6 foot deep hole than it does digging one. Another couple of weeks of recovery, and I was finally able to shut off the water in the yard which allowed me to replace the water shutoff valve in the basement. This allowed me to finally be able to replace the front faucet.
So let's do a quick recap. To replace a defective faucet on the front of my home, I had to cut down a 30 foot tall pine tree, so I could dig a 6 foot deep access hole in my yard. This allowed to me to fix the non-working yard shutoff which enabled me to replace the stuck house valve, so I had a way to shut off the water in my home, so I could replace a defective faucet on the front of my house. Who'd have figured?
Welcome to "Life According To Dallas".
